Can you work on yourself while being in a relationship? What does it mean and how do you do it?
After I broke up with my last boyfriend, I vowed to stay single for as long as I had been in a relationship, plus a few extra years for good measure. Given I had been in the relationship for almost 7 years, in my head that came to 10 years of being single.
My reasoning was that I needed to not only heal from a toxic relationship, but that I had to “find myself” and learn to love myself.
I figured I couldn’t expect anyone else to love me if I didn’t love myself unconditionally.
My singledom lasted about 6 years before I found a wonderful partner again. And thanks to him I have realised 2 things:
- You don’t have to stay single to work on yourself. In a healthy relationship you should still be able to be an individual, focus on yourself as well as grow.
- You do need to give yourself enough time to heal from a previous relationship, and you do need to learn to love yourself, if not 100%, then certainly more than 50%.
Honestly, I think the problem most people have is that they jump into a new relationship hoping their new partner will “fix” them. For some reason, it’s as if we expect other people to love us in a way we can’t love ourselves.
You really do need to work on yourself and become more peaceful in your own skin, with your own thoughts, before you place that responsibility on another person.
However, at the same time, in a healthy relationship each partner can, and should, focus on themselves.
Too many people think that it’s normal to lose yourself in a relationship, to give up your sense of self or that you somehow stop being an individual. And that’s why people think they have to stay single while they work on themselves, because once they enter a relationship, the personal growth stops.
Luckily, I can assure you, in a healthy, trusting and respectful relationship, you will be able to focus on yourself, your own personal growth, without having to give up any of your wants, needs and desires.
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Can You Grow Individually In A Relationship?
Healthy relationships are about becoming more than you can be by yourself.
It is NOT about giving up parts of yourself or making sacrifices. You don’t have to stop being an individual simply because you are in a relationship.
Sure, relationships require compromise, and sometimes that means checking with your partner before you go out partying with your friends until 4am. In other words, you can’t just continue living the hedonistic lifestyle of a single person.
But as far as self-discovery and emotional growth go, you can and should focus on yourself.
Self-love doesn’t stop simply because you are in a relationship. You loving yourself should not be dependent on your partner loving you.
Neither should you compromise on your own needs, or give up on your own friends.
How Do You Actually Work On Yourself?
Individuality Vs Collective
It is not necessary to stop being an individual when you are in a relationship. In fact, if you find your individuality slipping away from you, you might be in a toxic relationship.
Of course, many people feel they have to meld with their partner for the relationship to be wonderful, but it’s a common misconception, and in fact, could easily smother one of you.
People also have this fantasy idea on what it means to be in a relationship.
I see a lot of young women being guilty of this. They get married and then suddenly being the Mrs is the greatest thing ever, they focus all their attention and energy on being a perfect (in their mind at least) wife and mother. And in doing so, they stop being a woman with her own needs, dreams and desires.
When you are in a relationship, never stop being an individual. Don’t give up any of your dreams or goals simply because you are now a couple.
Remember, your partner was attracted to you in the first place for the person you were as an individual. Don’t give up that part of yourself.
Spending Time Alone Vs Spending Time Together
In a healthy relationship, both partners spend time with each other, but also apart.
While you don’t have to spend hours alone, the point is that alone time, or rather time where you get to do what YOU want to do (read a book, go for a walk, go to the gym, go shopping with friends) is crucial if you want to keep your own identity.
You might be in love, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything together.
In healthy relationships, both partners give each other enough space to remain an individual.
Self-Love Vs Dependence
Learning to love yourself is an ongoing process, and something that should continue while you are in a relationship.
In fact, contrary to popular opinion, learning to love yourself, and be a confident person, will make you more pleasant to be around. And to do that you have to make time for self-love. Self-love simply means you care about yourself, and you take care of yourself and your own needs.
It’s not healthy to lose yourself in a partnership and place the needs of the other person before yours.
Healthy happy relationships are about balance and equality, where both partners’ feelings, needs and desires are respected and met.
So ensure that you make time for yourself so you can proactively do things that make you feel happy, healthy and relaxed.
Self-Confidence And Self-Worth Vs Being Insecure
As I mentioned above, working on self-love and self-confidence is something that will benefit your relationship in the long run.
In contrast, insecure people are dependent on someone else in order to feel a sense of self-worth. This makes them emotionally needy. Being around needy people, especially in romantic relationships, can be very suffocating for some people. It’s also one of the red flags to look out for in an emotionally draining relationship.
Here are some tips for building up self-confidence.
Trust Vs Control And Suspicion
Learning to trust again after a toxic relationship can be difficult. Not only do you struggle to trust other people again, but your confidence in your own judgement gets damaged.
However, when you treat your partner with suspicion and try to control who they see, when they go out, and what they do when and where, you are setting yourself up for a toxic relationship.
A good relationship is founded in trust and respect.
Remember, your new partner is not the person that hurt you. Do not treat them based on the behaviour of someone else.
Work on your ability to trust your own judgement, remind yourself why you fell in love with your new partner in the first place, and work on putting other relationships behind you.
Keeping Friendships Vs Losing Touch
Yes I have been there too.
You fall in love and suddenly you are spending all your time with your new partner and zero time with your friends.
It’s natural to want to spend all your waking moments with the new love of your life, watching Netflix, cuddling on the sofa and generally doing all sorts of “couples only” things.
But after some time it should taper off.
You should never make one person your entire life.
Your friends and family are your support system. It has taken you years to build up that support system, these are healthy uplifting relationships based on trust and love.
Don’t give that up.
Ensure you spend a certain amount of alone time with your family and friends on a regular basis, without your partner around.
Building A Future, Together And As Individuals
We all have dreams when we are little.
But some people give up their dreams when they become part of a couple. It becomes all about the other person’s dreams, goals and happiness.
In a good relationship that will stand the test of time, you need to build a future that will make both of you happy.
This means that some things you, as a couple, have to agree on and build together. For example, saving to buy a house and deciding where to buy it so you can be near a good school when you finally have children. It’s a future you both have to agree on and work on as a couple.
But that doesn’t mean you should give up your own dreams and goals.
People who give up on their dreams and goals often find themselves unhappy and depressed a few decades later.
Achieving our goals is one of the fastest ways to not only feel a sense of achievement, but also build our self-confidence and help us feel satisfied and happy in life. It makes us feel alive and it keeps us young and strong.
Dreams grow as we grow. The more you achieve the more you will want to achieve, the bigger your dreams will become.
Never give up on your dreams. Sure, sometimes we should adjust them for practical reasons – my dream of becoming an astronaut was not very practical given my country has no space program – but never give up on all of your dreams.
How Do You Tell Your Partner You Need To Work On Yourself?
Considering we are the most intelligent species on the plant with the most complicated language, we are astonishingly bad at communication.
But communication doesn’t have to be hard.
It’s our lack of self-confidence and trust that make us afraid to be honest about our feelings or emotions.
You could write books and books about how to communicate better, but really in the end it comes down to honesty and a little bit of vulnerability.
We fear rejection of our ideas or our requests, and that makes us afraid to speak up.
Accepting the fact that you will feel vulnerable when you have to speak to someone about a difficult, and often emotional subject, will make it easier for you. In other words, you WILL feel vulnerable, but that’s OK, don’t try to avoid it, accept it. The upside is the more you do it the less vulnerable you will feel.
Finally, stay calm, be kind, and be polite and compassionate. Don’t blame or criticize. Do not yell!
Simply politely and calmly tell your partner what is bothering you, and what you feel you need to work through it. Perhaps you would like some time by yourself, or spend more time with your friends.
Stay respectful and patiently address your partner’s fears so that they don’t feel you are pushing them away.
Help them understand that while you feel you need to work on some issues by yourself, this by no means should be seen as you not loving them or not wanting to spend time with them.
Be prepared to make compromises, and listen to their side of the story.
Growing as a person is as much about interacting with other people as it is about spending time alone so you can take care of your emotional needs.
Remember, the more open you are, the better your communication will be and the stronger your relationship will become.
