Let’s face it, the scariest thing about toxic relationships are that we usually are completely unaware that we are IN one. It’s not like we miss the signs, it’s more that we don’t even know that they ARE signs. We simply are completely ignorant about what it means to be in a toxic relationship, for example, mistaking jealousy for passion.
I’ve come to realise that people are spectacularly bad at relationships, from a lack of understanding in how to talk to someone, to simply not realising the other person does not have your best interests at heart.
I mean if only I had a dollar for every friend, sister, work colleague or TV character I’ve ever seen that were in an obvious (to everyone but them) toxic relationship, I could be booking a 5star spa day for myself and all my girlfriends RIGHT NOW.
It frustrates me so much, I want to shake them and scream “RUN AWAY”, because I care about people’s happiness and watching someone be unhappy is incredibly depressing when you know there really is nothing you can do.
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Part of the problem is the advice well-meaning friends often give. I remember a friend once telling me that I shouldn’t give up on a relationship until I’ve really tried very hard at saving it. Looking back, that meant I stayed in a bad relationship about 2 years longer than I needed to. In the end I realised that no matter how hard I was trying, I simply couldn’t fix the other person, so eventually I had to leave. But that was 2 years of additional unhappiness I didn’t need to suffer.
And while I can say I at least learned a lot of lessons doing so, I’m hoping others can simply learn from my mistakes and skip the unhappiness altogether.
A good friend of mine has recently come out of a particularly toxic relationship. From her point of view, she had this amazing physical attraction to this guy, and they had this connection on an emotional level that was intense, but he was not willing to give up being single. He would mask this by telling her that it’s not fair to her that he isn’t emotionally in a place to commit to a relationship, but then would show up at her door at 11pm most nights, or calling her at 2 in the morning, taking her on dates, telling her how much she meant to him, that if only he had met her in another time in his life it would work out. It drew her in, pulled her close, made her become vulnerable, made her fall in love. But, he would still date other women, he would insist he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, would stop talking to her for days, or weeks, only to crash back in her life in the middle of the night, and my favourite, would get jealous if she dated other men.
It was an extremely unbalanced, unfair, unjust, and toxic relationship. There was no give and take, only take, take, take!
Through it all she was convinced that she was in love, and that he was in love with her. That if she gave him enough time he would come around and they would live happily ever after.
He never did.
Here’s the thing, in my experience, every time I have ever been in love, I have wanted to spend every waking moment with that person. I would neglect friends and family just to spend more time with the object of my affection, and more importantly, I was almost blind to other men, they were unattractive and boring and boorish and childish. For me it would be only this one person.
It has taught me that when someone cheats on you, THEY CANNOT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU! Because people who are in love only have eyes for that one person!
11 Signs That You Are In A TOXIC Relationship
- Your partner always has an excuse for not doing something or forgetting something, or simply acting like a jerk.
- When you care about someone, you also care that you’ve hurt them. You try to make it better, you learn what not to do in future, you MAKE AN EFFORT.
- Your partner spends a lot of time and use a lot of words telling you how important you are to her/him, but then fails to show up on time for dinner as they promised. Or cancel on you on short notice due to work, or because of some other social event that has come up that she/he now has to attend.
- If they cared, they’d show up.
- Be careful of someone who uses flowery language to impress you.
- Your partner is always promising to “MAKE IT UP” to you but then never quite seem to get around to doing it.
- Actions speak louder than words. When people make big promises that they’ll make something up to you but then don’t deliver, it’s because you are not as important as the other things in their life.
- Your partner spends a lot of time with friends, without you.
- This one is particularly important in the earlier stages of the relationship when you are still supposed to be in love with each other. In my experience, when you are in love (or infatuated if you prefer) you cannot STAND to be AWAY from the person that is the object of your desire. You will find every opportunity to spend us much time as possible with them, forsaking your own friends or other social obligations.
- If someone is not trying to spend their every waking moment with you, then they are SIMPLY NOT THAT INTO YOU.
- Your partner cheats on you, or constantly flirts with other people.
- When someone cheats on you, THEY CANNOT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!
- People who are in love only have eyes for that one person!
- Your partner makes “little jokes” that make you feel small.
- People often make jokes that put other people down. It’s ok to sometimes get it wrong, not everyone finds the same things funny, but when you feel like you are being put down, and they refuse to change because YOU are being oversensitive, then they don’t really care that you feel hurt.
- When they don’t care that you feel hurt, they don’t really care about you, they care more about themselves.
- Your partner puts a lot of importance on your physical appearance, complimenting you on being PRETTY or SEXY.
- In some cases this is OK, but more often than not, it means that they care more about HOW you look than WHAT you SAY or DO.
- It also puts you in a position where you feel you HAVE to wear make-up, or diet to stay thin, or smile even when you are unhappy.
- Over-emphasis on physical appearance will eventually make you feel like your thoughts and opinions don’t matter.
- They say they’ve let something go, but then continues to make little comments here and there.
- In my opinion, passive aggressiveness is the most toxic personality trait there is.
- It makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong, but when you ask they’ll be quick to deny that they are upset.
- It means you are constantly being punished verbally, without being able to defend yourself, or given an opportunity to fix the problem.
- And it makes you feel attacked somehow, but not in an obvious way you can fight head on.
- It leaves you between a rock and a hard place.
- NEVER EVER date anyone that is passive aggressive. They will never change. RUN AWAY NOW.
- Your partner flies into a jealous rage even if you are simply talking to someone for innocent reasons.
- Jealousy often stems from insecurity and past hurt, but that doesn’t mean you should now be punished for the behaviour of an ex.
- Most importantly, rage is not the way to deal with it. An honest, open and calm conversation should be the norm for discussing things that bother you, screaming unfounded accusations and storming off is definitely not acceptable.
- You have fights but then MAKE UP in spectacular ways.
- Fighting and making up are usually mistaken for PASSION.
- It’s not PASSION.
- Every time you fight, you say hurtful things, things that the other person will remember, that will continue to bother them deep down no matter how many times you apologize.
- The making up part might be fun, and maybe you receive expensive gifts afterwards, but the hurt will remain and resurface at unexpected moments.
- Deep down you feel unhappy.
- That deep feeling of unhappiness is ultimately the best way to know you are in a relationship that is bad for you. It’s a sort of vague, lingering feeling that your partner is just not treating you with the respect you deserve and desire, that you don’t really trust them, that they take advantage of you, blame you their own mistakes…
- We all sense it inside us, but we ignore it, telling ourselves that “love conquers all”, or that we need to work harder at our relationship, or that no-one is perfect.
- The truth is, no-one should settle for second best just to be miserable for the rest of their lives simply to avoid being single. Trust me on this, being single is not the worst thing that will happen to you in your life, but getting divorced after 20years of a miserable marriage will make you feel stupid, resentful, angry and bitter.
I genuinely hope you find these 11 signs useful in your own relationship. To be honest, it can apply to any relationship, not just romantic ones.
Remember that every relationship in your life is ultimately based on degrees of respect and trust, the more you have of either, the healthier that relationship is.
Final thoughts:
Never forget that ultimately you have control over your own life and it is up to you to change it for the better. No-one can do this for you. You must do this for yourself!
Don’t make yourself a victim by refusing to take ownership of your own happiness in life.
I know it can be scary to break up with someone, but be BRAVE and accept that you deserve so much better in life than an unhappy relationship.
You deserve to be HAPPY, with a partner that respects you and loves you and lifts you up, not breaks you down.
