What is the secret to accepting compliments gracefully? And why do we feel so much discomfort when someone gives us praise? Here are some tips on how to accept compliments with grace without appearing arrogant.
Why is it so hard to accept compliments?
Why can’t we just say thank you and be done with it?
Instead, we make some comment to dismiss the compliment, in effect disagreeing with the person giving the compliment.
What’s worse, you feel really uncomfortable!
It’s bizarre and makes no sense, yet, most of us have found ourselves stuck in just such a situation.
This was a real conversation I had not too long ago.
Colleague: “You look nice today. Have you lost weight?”
Me: “It’s my new hairstyle. It makes my face look thinner”.
Followed by immediate feelings of discomfort and sheepishness.
I mean seriously, “it makes my face look thinner“?
I don’t know if I should be depressed by my inability to take a compliment, or impressed by my ability to come up with such nonsense so quickly!
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Why is it hard to accept compliments?
Psychologists say there are a few competing factors at play here.
Low self-esteem
First, the obvious, low self-esteem.
When you suffer from low self-esteem you find it hard to believe the compliment. You simply don’t trust that it’s true. So it contradicts your own view of yourself.
For example, someone compliments a presentation that you did at work.
Due to your low self-esteem issues, you have been obsessing about everything you did wrong. You think you talked too much, didn’t talk clearly, forgot or skipped a section, the font was too small, you noticed a mistake in the data, or you worry you didn’t give a good answer to a question.
Either way, you think you sucked.
But now someone says it was great!
Cue confusion and cognitive dissonance.
While your brain tries to process the 2 contradicting beliefs – a) you suck, b) you don’t suck – your traitorous mouth opens and says “I was so nervous, I didn’t think anyone understood a word I was saying. People looked half asleep, they were so bored”.
High expectations/standards
Taking the example above, your high expectations and standard you have for yourself, makes you want to create a presentation that is flawless, without any spelling mistakes, nice readable fonts, easy to understand data, and presented by someone with the public speaking skills of Tony Robbins.
So you second guess your own work and you criticize yourself because, let’s face it, no-one will ever be as good as Tony Robbins.
This means that when you do receive a compliment, it simply does not gel with the quality you think you delivered.
Fear of appearing egotistical and arrogant
As children we are taught to be humble and modest.
Self-praise is discouraged.
In other words, there is a lot of social pressure to not come across as arrogant.
This makes it very hard for us to accept any comment that suggests we are good at something.
We instinctively shy away from any praise that might make us seem too confident.
Social pressure to agree
Social pressure to agree with others is the reason that we feel so much discomfort afterward when someone compliments us.
We have now dismissed and disagreed with someone, to their face, a big social no-no.
Add that on top of your cognitive dissonance and you can see why you feel so much discomfort and anxiety every time you go through the process of receiving a compliment.
Typical examples of how we respond to compliments – that we should avoid
Downgrade
This is when you downgrade the compliment from really good to “just nice”.
It allows us to accept the compliment while remaining modest and avoiding self-praise.
For example:
Person A: “The dinner you cooked was fantastic”.
Person B: “Thanks, it was OK I guess, the chicken was a bit dry”.
You accept the praise, but then you downgrade it from a big compliment to only a small compliment.
So you are making it clear that you are unwilling to engage in self-praise.
In fact, women do it all the time.
Person A: “I love your dress”.
Person B: “Oh, this thing? Found it in the back of the closet this morning”.
Deflecting
This allows you to accept a compliment but you deflect it onto someone or something else.
For example:
Person A: “I thought that presentation you did on sustainable energy was really good”.
Person B: “Thanks, but really it was a team effort”.
You are deflecting so the compliment doesn’t land on you.
Disagreement
Disagreement when we receive a compliment is when we very politely disagree with the person giving the compliment.
For example:
Person A: “You are a really good cook”.
Person B: “You just haven’t eaten Mike’s food yet, now that’s a good cook”.
In other words, you make it clear, politely so, that the other person is wrong.
Luck
A very common response to compliments is to put it down to luck.
For example:
Person A: “Congratulations on your promotion”.
Person B: “Thanks, but there were only 5 other candidates and they weren’t very good”.
In other words, it’s just luck that got you promoted.
Another example:
Person A: “Congratulations on winning the tennis match”.
Person B: “Thanks, but I don’t think the other person has ever played tennis before”.
You are making it clear that it’s pure luck you won and it could have gone the other way regardless of your skills in tennis.
Return the compliment
Sometimes we deal with a compliment by immediately returning the compliment. It allows us to deflect the praise back onto the person who complimented us.
For example:
Person A: “I like your dress”.
Person B: “Thanks, I really like your shoes! Where did you buy it from”?
You accept the praise, but only for a second. Then you immediately move on to putting the focus back onto the other person.
Of all the ways we respond to compliments, this one creates the least discomfort.
We can accept the compliment (no disagreement) but we immediately (less time spent on our self-praise reduces the discomfort we feel) make it about the other person (reciprocity).
Exception to the rule
While all responses are self-deprecating in some way, there is one more type of response I would like to add.
Another type of self-deprecating response is when you sort of accept the compliment, but you make it clear this is an exception to the rule.
For example:
Person A: “You look nice today”.
Person B: “Thanks, but you should see me first thing in the morning”.
In other words, usually you look awful, but you made an effort so you will accept the compliment, on the grounds that it’s an exception to how you usually look.
How do you confidently respond to a compliment?
So now that we know accepting compliments are hard, and the reasons why you struggle so much when receiving compliments, what can we do to better handle the situation so we feel less discomfort and anxiety, but don’t end up looking like an arrogant person either?
Luckily, there are a few tricks you can keep up your sleeve to make it easier to gracefully accept a compliment without any self deprecating behaviour.
What to say when receiving compliments?
Thank you
Just say “thank you” and leave it at that.
Don’t add more words or make clarifications, don’t compliment the other person.
Just
Say
Thank
You!
The beauty of keeping it short and sweet is that you don’t dwell too much on the compliment, so the focus of the conversation can move on quickly proving that you are not arrogant and want to make it all about yourself.
It also allows you to accept the compliment without diminishing what the other person said or deflecting it by disagreeing with it.
It really is the most graceful way to accept a compliment.
Thank you … and …
For those people who struggle with short sentences or any type of silence, here are some ways to say thank you but basically expand a bit more.
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you”.
“Thank you, I appreciate the compliment”.
“Thank you. I’m so glad someone enjoyed it”.
You are still accepting the compliment gracefully, but you are keeping the conversation going without a potential for an awkward silence.
Just accept the compliment straight up
Let’s face it, sometimes you deserve the compliment.
You worked hard, you made an effort, you spent a lot of time and energy doing something really well.
It’s OK to simply accept the compliment!
“Thank you, I worked really hard on that presentation”.
“Thank you, I worked really hard for 2 years to get that promotion”.
“Thank you, I practised cooking that meal a few times to get it right”.
“Thank you, I did a lot of research on the subject so I could have all the answers”.
“Thank you. It was a tough challenge but I enjoyed it!”
If you are proud of what you have done, then accept the compliment. You worked for it, and you are allowed to receive it.
Share the credit
Since no man is an island, a lot of our successes are team efforts. So feel free to share the praise, but ONLY if other people genuinely contributed. Don’t deflect to your team simply because you are uncomfortable doing so.
“Thank you. My team did some really good research and created a great presentation. I’m glad I did them justice when I presented it all in the meeting.”
This allows you to accept a compliment gracefully, give credit where credit is due, without diminishing your own achievement.
How to return a compliment
The most important thing to remember when giving someone a compliment, besides the fact that they will likely have the same discomfort to accepting a compliment as you, is to be authentic.
Lots of personal development books espouse the belief that you need to compliment others simply to get them to like you, and it really does work. See Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People, rule 2.
But only in the short term.
Over the long term, people will see it for what it is, a superficial technique designed to manipulate them.
So be authentic and real.
In an article for Harvard Business Review, Christopher Littlefield says that in his research, he has found that people prefer for others to recognize and compliment them on the effort that went into the result, as opposed to the result itself.
So keep your compliments to praising their hard work and dedication instead of the end result.
Conclusion
While accepting compliments can feel like a minefield to navigate, or an artform to master, as long as you stick the rules above you will be fine.
If in doubt, just say “thank you”.
When you feel the need to compliment someone else, be authentic, be real, and praise their hard work, not the end result.
