Dating someone who puts you down can make you feel belittled and unimportant. Such feelings are hardly associated with healthy relationships.
It is just normal to want to thrive both as an individual and in a relationship. For this to happen, you should not only put in the necessary effort but also be on the lookout for anything that would jeopardize it. Regular put-downs feature in this list.
Once you identify them, you can now work towards addressing them long before they interfere with your positive emotions and wreck your self-confidence.
Sometimes, especially when you have been repeatedly put down for a while, it is possible to feel like you don’t deserve any better. It might also seem too late to do anything.
I have good news for you; it is never too late to deal with toxic people. And that includes a partner who makes you feel like crap!
Information is power, and I have highlighted what you need to know in order to understand why certain people feel the need to keep putting others down.
In addition, I have shared strategies on how to deal with such people. As you will understand, not everyone who puts you down does it because they exactly feel good about themselves.
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The Psychology Behind People Who Like Putting Others Down
Someone who puts you down sets out to make you feel less important, unaccomplished, insignificant, small…Literally, any adjective that deflates your opinion, thoughts, achievements, or actions.
Before you start examining your life for what you are doing wrong though, it is worth mentioning that what drives such people has nothing to do with you. Instead, it has everything to do with their own inner demons.
This is where you come in; these demons can be triggered by the indication of brilliance, success, or anything that makes you look better than them.
Belittling you provides your partner with an avenue for them to feel better about themselves.
How so? Although they haven’t solved their own issues, they can convince themselves that they have managed to control how you feel- less superior, worse, lousy, hurt, etc.
How a Person you are Dating Puts you Down
If you have been in the same relationship for some time, you should be able to tell when your partner is putting you down.
Put-downs can manifest in obvious signs of disrespect including open negative criticism, verbal insult, public humiliation, and making fun of you in the presence of others.
They can also be subtle in nature and can include the invalidation of your feelings, giving compliments followed by ‘but’, keeping you from your loved ones, condescension, withdrawing emotionally, and giving you silent treatment.
Why your Partner Feels the Need to Constantly Put you Down
A good partner should be rational and mentally stable. Such a person is more likely to make you feel safe rather than put you down.
If they disagree with you in a conversation, they will do so respectfully. They will also validate your emotions, thoughts, and opinions.
So, what is it about a certain person that makes them want to put others down? The following reasons can shed some light
The Need to Control You
This usually stems from their own feelings of loss of control, jealousy, instability, or insecurity. They feel that things can only be done right if they are in charge. Exerting control over your life gives them a sense of power and superiority over you.
Troubled Childhood
Research points to a link between childhood experiences and adult life. Someone who was, for example, bullied, constantly put down, or emotionally abused as a child can also treat others the same to hide feelings of vulnerability.
Mental Health Issues
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, it is possible for people with mental health conditions to have good relationships. This happens when they take responsibility to manage these issues.
Nevertheless, forms of emotional abuse such as putting others down can still be linked to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and narcissism.
Lack of Empathy
When someone is unable to relate to what you are feeling, it means that they lack empathy.
This can be a result of disorders that affect either their ability to control their thinking, imaginations, and emotions, also referred to as psychopathy.
Inability to associate with other people, or simply sociopathy, can also impair someone’s empathy making them more likely to abuse you emotionally.
Perception of a Threat
When you come across someone who is better than you, it can trigger all sorts of emotions. Usually, you should be motivated to become like them, better than them, or just a better version of yourself.
Sometimes, a partner may feel threatened by your success yet lack the willpower to put in the work to improve themselves.
Belittling you in this case sometimes gives them a perceived sense of accomplishment.
To Avoid Confrontation
A put down can be one of the easiest ways to shut you down when your partner wants to avoid dealing with a relationship issue. This is especially so when they realize that they are wrong or are afraid that you will catch them on something.
They put you down to instill feelings of self-doubt or dismiss you with the hope that you will drop the confrontation.
How To Deal With A Partner Who Puts You Down
Going by the information that we’ve gathered above, dating someone who puts you down can mess up not just your relationship but also you as an individual.
While you cannot control how your partner chooses to treat you, it is totally in your power to decide how you respond to this and other forms of emotional abuse.
Different situations may call for different strategies but generally, you can never go wrong with the 10 tips below.
1. Be On The Lookout For Red Flags
As I mentioned earlier, long before a relationship becomes overly toxic, there are signs that can help you avoid getting caged in.
Whether it is words or deeds, the harm to your psyche may become irreparable if you ignore or deny a red flag for too long.
2. Work On Your Self Esteem
A healthy relationship is based on respect. Someone who puts you down has zero respect for your self-esteem. Basically, they can manipulate you day in and day out and expect no consequences.
To avoid the loss of your individuality, work to strengthen your esteem. Start by accepting who you are and finding joy in little accomplishments. With time, your esteem will be unbreakable.
3. Set Goals And Strive To Accomplish Them
To put you down, your partner magnifies your shortcomings and makes you relive them. This calls for acceptance of and striving to overcome your flaws.
Set higher standards and work to realize them in a timely manner. This will inadvertently instill discipline and slowly put you back in control of your life.
4. Let Them Know About the Hurt
Even without getting physical, words are enough to put you down. A narcissistic partner knows this and that’s why they use words to lower your esteem, little by little. The one thing that they may not anticipate is your awareness of such psychological attacks.
So, do not laugh and indulge them whenever they make rude or degrading jokes.
Stop affirming the behavior and communicate your feelings. Do this by reminding them, constantly, what their words made you feel.
5. Communicate Effectively
It is not enough that your partner knows how they make you feel, how you do it matters. Ineffective communication may invalidate your concerns and become an impediment to making your life better.
When trying to get the attention of someone who is wronging you, do your homework. Ask yourself, when are they calm and what makes them happy? The answers will be handy when palling to have that candid talk.
Also, mind your words. Avoid accusatory language and aim for reconciliatory communication. It helps to start by acknowledging their good qualities before slipping into what you really want them to know about putting you down.
Below is a good example:
“Hi love, I really appreciate you taking me shopping for my birthday. And I loved the green dress. Remember, the one that you said made me look fat? That hurt and could have ruined a perfectly good day. Next year will be different, I hope.”
6. Learn To Overcome
Mostly, abusive relationships exist once the partner on the receiving end allows the abuse to continue. When it comes to being put down, the hurt only festers if you allow it to.
Do not allow your life to fall apart due to their words or actions. Remind your brain to detach whenever they are condescending or trying to manipulate you.
Think of it this way, if the other person notices that you are constantly ignoring their efforts, why would they continue belittling you?
7. Fight To Keep Healthy Relationships Intact
One of the most effective ways of suppressing a person is by killing any of their supportive relationships. The toxic partner knows that once you surround yourself with supportive friends or family, their behavior may come to light.
As such, they will try to keep you from visiting other people. And not only that, even for the important occasions such as birthdays, they will make up a reason for both of you to not attend or in the least, leave early.
Why? Their degrading antics might present. Don’t fall for this though, fight to keep a support system handy.
8. Learn To Keep Your Emotions In Check
Whenever you are put down and react angrily, it serves as a positive reinforcement of your partner’s or friend’s bad behavior. They feed on your disappointment and anger. This is the reason why you shouldn’t give them satisfaction.
Instead, learn to keep your cool and feign control of the happenings to avoid falling into self-destructive habits.
“Most of the time, aggressive anger expressions will reinforce aggressive behavior. Aggression is a chronic maladaptive habit of anger expression, so we need to break the aggression cycle habit by recognizing early trigger signs of anger escalation.” (Al Ubaidi BA, 2018).
9. Set Boundaries
A good partner appreciates your need for personal space and identity. This is only possible if they recognize your boundaries and learn to respect them. But first off, you need to set the right boundaries.
Let your partner know that it is a big deal for you when they put you down. Also, let them know that you feel bad when they invade your personal space or brush off your concerns.
That said, this is a two-way street so, remember to reciprocate. This will lead to healthy communication which as research notes, is key to strong lasting relationship bonds.
10. Speak To A Professional
Being in a relationship where you aren’t respected is unsustainable, or worse, a short road to an unfortunate future. The question is, is there a way to rebuild what you have lost, or do you need to call it quits and move on?
These are difficult decisions, especially after a long dating process, marriage, or long friendship. To guide you, have a candid conversation with a psychology expert.
Spend time with your therapist exploring what to expect from your partner, the red flags to watch out for, and if such a need arises, how to disentangle from a toxic relationship.
Conclusion
Everyone deserves a chance at a good relationship and so do you. Unfortunately, the one person that you decide to give your heart to might also turn out to be the one who puts you down.
When it comes to your well-being though, there should be no such thing as being ‘nice’ at your own expense.
Given how much of you you invest in a relationship emotionally, mentally, and even physically, tolerating being constantly put down can significantly wreck your self-development. This is in addition to negatively impacting your ability to form a healthy subsequent relationship.
Not to worry though, the power to change all this is in your hands and the tips above can nudge you in the right direction.
