Tips on how to respond to the silent treatment effectively and with dignity.
Typically, when you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you are plunged into a state of confusion.
What did I do wrong this time? Is this particular reaction a way for my partner to inflict pain? Could my partner’s behavior be a reflection of their inner demons?
The truth is unless you are a mind reader, the person giving the cold shoulder is the only one with all these answers. Yet, rather than verbalize their issues, they have chosen to use the silent treatment to communicate displeasure or elicit a reaction.
The silent treatment hurts and when it is done repeatedly, it is a sign that the relationship is on the rocks. Fortunately, there’s still a chance to have a healthy relationship once this emotional abuse is caught and addressed as soon as possible.
Here is everything you need to know about silent treatment including tips to help you respond.
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What is Silent Treatment?
Silent treatment is a situation whereby one person decides not to talk to or acknowledge the other party in a relationship. This can happen in both romantic and non-romantic relationships.
Usually, silent treatment results when the person giving it feels too overwhelmed to express pent-up emotions such as anger, frustration, and hurt in a normal conversation and chooses to retreat and keep their mouth shut.
Sometimes, the silent treatment can occur in a fleeting moment, especially during or following a heated argument in which someone stops talking in order to calm down then resumes the conversation. This can be interpreted as a time-out and will usually lead to a more productive talk.
The silent treatment can also be a more serious and premeditated form of emotional abuse. In such situations, emotional abusers use the silent treatment to exert control on others with the intent to manipulate them to submission.
Silent treatment manipulation can make the person on the receiving end feel powerless, unseen, and hurt. It can also spell doom for a relationship.
Reasons Why People Give the Silent Treatment
People in relationships can give silent treatment for various reasons. To begin with, there are people who have trouble expressing themselves, and given the choice between verbal confrontation and keeping their mouth shut, they opt for the latter.
Former victims of silent abuse can also resort to the same as a form of revenge. Further, people who have tried verbal communication in a relationship with no success may choose silent treatment to try and persuade a behavior change in a partner.
The worst form of silent treatment manipulation is done by people who are narcissistic by nature. These are people who are so self-involved and inflated with self-importance to the point that they have total disregard for other peoples’ needs.
As Psychotherapist Andrea Schneider puts it, “silent treatment is the weapon of people with narcissism”.
When you have such a person for a partner, they can go mute just to feel in control, frustrate your efforts, or avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes.
Tips on How to Respond to The Silent Treatment Manipulation
The effects of a partner’s silence in a relationship can include resentment, declined communication, and diminished intimacy.
Without a doubt, the silent treatment is something that needs to be remedied before it is too late. For many people, this is the one situation in which a magic wand would come in handy.
Unfortunately, if you are truly invested in seeing the treatment come to a mutually beneficial resolution, you need to do the heavy lifting.
Below are some pointers to help you. Note that not every tip works for every relationship but with such a wide variety to choose from, you can always choose strategies that appeal to your unique situation and run with them.
Wait before you make the first move
Silent treatment affects both parties and as the recipient, it is not upon you to always make the first move. This is especially true when the one meting the negative emotions is a narcissist using the behavior to hurt you.
With a partner who repeatedly gives you an unexplained time out, being eager to end the silent treatment manipulation only feeds their ego. You can hold off reestablishing communication and instead give them time to react. Where there is concern about narcissism, making seeking professional therapy a condition for reconciliation could be a good idea.
Wait it out
Don’t get me wrong, being on the receiving of an emotional distance and having to do nothing is not easy. The idea here is that by not engaging them outrightly, your silent friend gets a chance to deal with their own feelings.
That said, giving them space does mean a cold shoulder. Don’t be completely quiet or behave as if you are oblivious of their situation. Find the right moment- say when they break the silence to ask for the remote- to tell them that you are there for them and ready to listen whenever they wish.
In the meantime, occupy your mind with other stuff rather than obsessing over their behavior to avoid worsening the emotional abuse.
Avoid tit for tat
Applying the wisdom of Gandhi, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind”; hurting the other person’s feelings by also refusing to talk makes finding a solution more difficult.
Bringing in your own silent treatment just serves to prolong the emotional and mental abuse. What could have probably been a few hours of silence can escalate into days or weeks where each one of you expects the other person to cave in first.
Speak Out
Sometimes, all that the person dispensing the dose of silence needs to know is that they are heard or felt. In such situations speaking out about the issue calmly might just suffice.
Ensure that you express your feelings about the stalemate and communicate your willingness to both understand and resolve things.
You may not always get a positive response but since you are all about speaking out, let them know that you are open to scheduling a time to talk.
Engage your Partner in Coming Up with Solutions
You might not be in a position to avoid conflict in a relationship but you can plan ahead to handle it better in the future. When you are back to talking terms, engage your significant other in coming up with better ways to communicate so that you don’t use the silent treatment moving forward.
You can even explore solutions outside your relationship such as engaging a trusted third party, undergoing couples counseling, or getting individual therapy.
While at it, ensure that you are both on the same page concerning your expectations of each other.
Know the cause of the problem
When your partner stops talking to you, assuming the blame is usually the default instinct. While it is true you could be the cause, the matter might be more complicated.
As such, the first step to putting an end to any passive-aggressive tactic meted out by the other person is knowing why they are behaving that way, to begin with.
Could it be emerging childhood trauma with silent treatment manipulation as their go-to response or are they going through a stressful streak in their job and just want some quiet time?
If you cannot deduce this from engaging in a conversation, you can suggest working with a therapist.
Use constructive criticism
When dealing with someone who is going to great lengths to avoid talking to you, making the situation worse is a real possibility. At the back of your head, you’ll be wondering whether your attempts will only fan the flames.
To give the intervention a real chance, avoid fault finding and blame-shifting. Also, provide constructive criticism through the sandwich method. This involves putting negative points between two pieces of positive comments when giving criticism.
For example, “I understand that you are dealing with something but it is really upsetting me. We can both feel better if we talk about it”
Make it an “us” conversation
For positive criticism to work, mind how you talk when trying to break the ice. Avoid turning the conversation into a finger-pointing session.
When striving to stop silent treatment, use statements that signal to the other person that you are in it together. Saying “We should talk about what’s happening in our relationship to improve our intimacy” beats “you should work on your issues because they are ruining intimacy”.
True, they should deal with their emotional hurdles but the latter statement, to a person with low self-esteem could rise to the level of verbal abuse.
Practice Forgiveness
Looking for a healthy way to deal with silent treatment in a romantic relationship? Get used to forgiving your partner. When a person knows they have wronged you, the mere knowledge that you are a forgiving person may even prompt them to express themselves better.
Forgiveness also works in your favor when you are wrong and looking for empathy from your partner. I find that introspection helps me gather my own emotions and helps me know when I need to forgive or apologize.
Take a Stand
If you feel like you are in an unhealthy relationship despite your efforts respond to the silent treatment, it is time to set strong boundaries to protect your emotional health, and Clinical Psychologist Erica Lawrence agrees:
“In reality, well-defined — and respected — boundaries can lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship…They’re a way of showing respect for the relationship, which allows the relationship to grow in a healthy way if they’re communicated early on”
This is where you let your partner know the kind of treatment you expect and state clearly the results of violating boundaries. Firm boundaries might turn out to be the first bold steps towards getting out of a toxic relationship.
Don’t lose control
The leap from silent treatment to an abusive situation is thin, especially when one partner already feels slighted. As long as the behavior is not putting you in any immediate danger, keep your feelings in check.
After all, physical violence is possible when one person loses control. So, when it becomes apparent that the silent treatment manipulation is getting to you, let your mind wander to your safe place.
Be Strong
If the person giving the silent treatment aims to make the other feel guilty, exuding strength is a step in the right direction to dealing with the emotional abuse. This does not mean bottling in your feelings as well, the solution just calls for not wearing emotions on your sleeves.
When in front of them, be strong. No crying, no gloominess, and no destructive behavior. A calm and strong demeanor can reduce the chances of you being victimized.
Seek professional help
Unfortunately, not all causes of silent treatment can be treated by the above approaches. For example, a person suffering from a mental health illness may occasionally go with silence as a way of dealing with their own feelings of inadequacy.
Such cases may require individual therapy to discern a psychological call for help.
Conclusion
Giving someone the silent treatment or being on the receiving end is a sure way of ending up in an abusive situation without leaving tell-tale physical marks. Lack of physical pain doesn’t, however, make it less ruinous.
If not handled early, the emotional abuse resulting from the silent treatment can easily shatter the emotional health and self-esteem of the victim as well as tank rather intimate relationships.
While none of the above tips works on its own to lift an abusive relationship from the rut of the silent treatment, employing a few of the strategies might just be what you and your partner need. If you feel backed into a corner though, take a deep breath and admit it; there’s no shame in seeking help from a professional.
Is the silent treatment effective?
When used to calm down from an argument momentarily, the silent treatment can keep a situation from escalating. As a passive-aggressive tactic though, it is hardly effective in building healthy relationships. On the contrary, it can make things worse, lead to emotional distance, and eventual breakup.
Is silent treatment emotional abuse?
When it is premeditated and used as a manipulative weapon, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It translates to emotional abuse if it occurs more frequently, it is used to exert control rather than the need to calm down after a fight, things only normalize when you give in to the pressure, and you find yourself constantly checking your behavior to avoid getting the cold shoulder.
How do you deal with the silent treatment with dignity?
Before trying to deal with the silent treatment, ensure that you are calm and composed to avoid further aggravating the situation. You can then approach your partner, and whatever you do, let it revolve around acknowledging their change of demeanor, expressing how you feel, and letting them know that you are available to straighten out your differences.
