A healthy relationship should make you feel happy, supported and stronger, not make you feel exhausted.
No-one can argue that relationships don’t require a lot of emotional involvement and investment, but that should never mean that you feel it to be a weight that is dragging you down.
In healthy relationships, both partners contribute their emotions equally. Sometimes one has to support and carry the other, and on another day those roles will get reversed.
When that emotional contribution becomes unbalanced, and one partner starts to contribute more than the other, it can be very emotionally draining.
But if you start to feel physically exhausted, you might be suffering from relationship fatigue or burnout.
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What Is Relationship Burnout?
In a toxic relationship, one partner often has more power, or demands/receives more attention or emotional support.
This type of emotional labour can cause the other partner to become physically and mentally exhausted.
Not only do they have to emotionally carry someone else, but they don’t receive any support for their own emotional needs. All their time and energy are taken up by the other person, leaving them with nothing to spare to look after themselves.
It makes them feel tired, adds to their stress levels, impacts their mental health and even their physical health, and leaves them feeling total emotional exhaustion.
In a co-dependent relationship, one partner often assumes the role of caretaker. This means devoting most of their time and energy to the emotional needs of the other person, taking care of them, providing a shoulder to cry on, even making sure they are eating or sleeping enough. They spend more time worrying about their partner’s issues than their own well-being.
This can be very emotionally draining for the partner in the caretaker role.
Compare that to emotional interdependence, where both partners’ emotional needs are met, while still maintaining independence, or put another way, without “needing” each other. In such a relationship, a couple enjoys emotional intimacy without giving up their sense of self, and by choosing each other on a daily basis because both of them benefit emotionally.
In fact, a small study in 2016 involving 50 couples found that emotional interdependence not only leads to a healthy romantic relationship, but also to individual well-being.
What Are The Signs Of Struggling Relationships?
While it’s perfectly healthy for both partners in a relationship to offer each other emotional support and ensure that they are each heard and understood, there is a balance.
Sure, in everyday life, there will always be moments where one partner needs more emotional support than the other, for example when there is illness or death on their side of the family.
We all go through tough times after all.
But over time this should balance out.
If one person is constantly requiring emotional support, without ever growing or learning how to deal with their own emotions, then it becomes a big problem and can cause the other partner to feel emotionally drained as a result.
You can read more about the red flags in a relationship that could spell trouble if ignored here.
Here Are 14 Signs That Could Mean You Are In An Emotionally Draining Relationship
- You worry more about their problems than your own well-being
- You crave alone time
- You no longer want to be affectionate
- You become guarded about your own emotions
- You walk on eggshells around your partner
- You feel like you are always apologising for something
- Every day brings more drama
- You hide parts of your relationship from others
- You feel drained emotionally
- You feel alone with no-one to talk to
- You have very little free time
- You feel responsible for the happiness of your partner
- You lose interest in your partner
- You feel mental and physical exhaustion
Can You Fix Relationship Burnout?
Deciding whether you should stay or leave is something only you can do.
My advice to anyone is always to look into your heart and decide if you are truly happy in your relationship. Is there trust and respect?
If that doesn’t bring you clarity, ask yourself this:
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Raise children, buy a house? What will our children be like? Will this person be a good parent, provider and spouse? Will my family be happy we are together?
If the answer is yes, you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person, then it’s time for an honest conversation about the problems in your relationship.
Sit your partner down and have an open conversation without blame or recriminations, explaining calmly and with compassion the problems as you feel them. Don’t make judgements, don’t assign blame, and be willing to listen as much as you talk, healthy communication should be 50/50 after all.
Don’t be afraid to speak to a family therapist, mental health professional or even your community’s spiritual leader.
