Don’t understand why your friends are getting ahead in life but you are not? Struggling with low self-esteem? Lack of confidence might be the problem.
Confidence is at the cornerstone of all happiness, achievement and success in life. Confidence helps you cope with difficult situations, it helps to overcome fear, and it drives you to set higher goals.
What is self-confidence?
Essentially, confidence is believing in yourself and knowing you have “value”. This influences your behaviour towards others to the point that they too understand and believe in your value.
Or put another way, other people will be less likely to treat you with disrespect.
I think we can all agree we recognize confidence when we see it, although I will admit, frequently it can be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is when you act with exaggerated confidence but can’t back up your words with actions.
Why is confidence important?
Self-confidence is what gives us the guts or motivation to try something.
It’s a sense of self-believe that we can accomplish something, even if we don’t yet know how.
It’s the opposite of fear. Fear of failure, fear of being less than perfect, fear of making mistakes along the way.
People with self-confidence will take on a task or project because they believe that on the way they will gain the skills they need to make it a success. They also believe that when they ask for help, someone would give it.
A self-confident person is also less afraid of making mistakes, because they know that everyone makes mistakes, and that as long as you learn from it, it’s OK.
When you lack self-confidence, not only are you too afraid of failure to even try something new, but you are also too afraid to ask for help, in case someone thinks you are too stupid. You worry that you should know the answer and to now ask the question, would show everyone just how little you know.
So confidence is important if you want to achieve anything in life.
How do you become more self-confident?
I have written extensively on how to build your confidence.
Start with positive thinking and changing your mindset.
Remind yourself that it’s OK to fail, and that you will learn from your failures.
Look around you and notice how everyone else is also struggling with the same feelings of inadequacy. No-one is born perfect or clever or having all the answers, skills or knowledge.
Everyone makes mistakes at some point.
Stop trying to be perfect and learn to accept yourself as you are.
Personally, I have found the greatest way to build my confidence is to ACHIEVE things, even small things.
There are so many things we think we can’t do, but when you go out there and you try something, no matter how scary, you learn so much through the process, especially your mistakes, that you start to build your confidence and self-belief.
That gives you the confidence to try even bigger and scarier things, which in turn builds your confidence even more.
Like layers, every achievement builds on top of the previous achievements, all adding to your self-confidence.
But without self-confidence, you will forever be stuck at the “I don’t have what it takes” level, never progressing further, never learning and growing.
So, without self-confidence, your list of achievements will always be small, you will get more and more fearful and more and more stuck in your comfort zone, while your friends are out there pushing themselves and trying new things, constantly improving their lives and relationships.
Related Posts
27 Benefits of greater self-confidence
Now that you understand the importance of self-confidence, let’s look at some more concrete examples of the benefits that you get from having more self-confidence.
1. Dealing with stressful situations / Calm under pressure
People who lack self-confidence are more likely to panic, or feel overwhelmed.
But when you have more self-confidence, you will understand that you have the skills to cope with the situation.
2. Improved relationships
A lot of times the issues that arise in relationships are down to lack of communication.
And that is directly related to fear.
We fear saying no to family, friends or our boss.
We fear speaking up when disrespected.
We fear being alone and single because the person we are dating leaves us when we tell them we are unhappy.
So we bottle it up inside until we can’t contain it anymore and blow up.
If you have ever “bitten someone’s head off”, or been accused of being “moody”, or even given someone the “silent treatment”, then you are not being honest with those people around you and you lack the courage to communicate clearly when you are unhappy or struggling in life.
Self-confidence means you have the courage to speak up no matter how scary it might seem because often we feel incredibly vulnerable opening up to people, yet when we do, we feel an incredible amount of relief and power.
The other person also understands us better. Plus they will be more likely to trust us with their own vulnerabilities.
This leads to better relationships, whether those are platonic, work related or romantic.
3. Resilience
Resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness”.
A lot of self-confidence comes from past experience and achievement.
As we go through life, every difficult situation forces us to grow and become tougher.
Every time we achieve something we didn’t think possible, we learn that we are capable of more than we initially thought.
It expands our self-belief and self-confidence.
And in doing so, we become more resilient.
4. Presence / Gravitas
Presence or gravitas refers to dignity and trust.
Similar to influencing others (further down), the way you speak, your body language, your expertise, skills and experience gives you an aura that inspires dignity and trust.
One of the benefits of having more self-confidence is that you learn how to carry yourself well, how to speak properly, and how to deal with other people in a way that is dignified and respectful.
In other words, people trust and respect you, and they look up to you.
5. Leadership / Executive
Anyone promoted to a leadership position can tell you having to delegate all of a sudden versus being delegated TO can be very scary.
You worry a lot that your team will reject your requests, or laugh at you, or worse, simply ignore you.
But confident people understand that delegation is part of being a leader, and also part of being successful.
6. Influencing others
You can have a lot of influence without being in a leadership position like being a team leader or a manager.
Influence comes from having confidence in your own voice, your skills and your knowledge, and being willing to share that with others in public.
7. Mindset
Self-confidence and mindset goes hand in hand.
Your mindset determines what you think is possible in the world, or what you think you are capable of.
If you think you can’t do something, you won’t try.
If you think you can do something, you will give it a go.
The more your self-confidence grows, the more your mindset will change for the better.
8. Positive Attitude
Like mindset, self-confidence is closely related to a positive attitude.
It’s pretty hard to stay negative when you become more confident.
And vice versa, the more positive you become, the more confident you will also become.
9. Feeling valued
People with self-confidence feel they have value, whether that is at work, or at home with their families.
People with low confidence and self-esteem will often feel undervalued, and are therefore more likely to let others treat them poorly.
10. Promotions / More money
This one is obvious.
The more self-confidence you have the more you are likely to put yourself forward for a promotion.
And anyone that’s ever even just thought about asking for a pay rise will know how scary that is. You need some confidence in yourself to entertain the idea that you deserve more money, never mind taking the next step to talk to your boss.
Make a list of everything you have done at work that benefited your boss, the team, and the company. And then another list of all the things you are good at and that people have given you compliments about. This will give you a good starting place for building your confidence so you can then ask your boss for a pay rise.
11. Body confidence
I don’t know about men, but women suffer from a lot of body image issues.
Body confidence is when you stop assigning value to people simply because they are pretty, young, have blond hair, a perfect body, tanned legs, manicured nails or a flat stomach.
You understand that you have value just as you are, faults and all.
12. Feel less fear and anxiety
Self-confidence will free you from fear of failure.
And in doing so you will suffer from less anxiety.
13. Increased motivation
When we have the confidence to try new things, then overcome the obstacles in our way, learn from our mistakes, and keep going until we achieve what we set out to do, we feel proud of ourselves.
This gives us more motivation to try new things, or to persevere with difficult projects or goals.
14. Happiness
The more we believe in ourselves, the more things we try.
The more we try, the more we learn and grow.
The more we learn and grow, the more we achieve.
The more we achieve, the greater our self-confidence.
All of this feeds our happiness, enjoyment of life and a sense of purpose.
15. Being true to yourself
When you feel confident, you have more courage to stay true to your own values and to challenge and speak up when you find yourself in a situation that is not inline with who you are.
16. Less self-doubt
Confidence gives you the courage to try new things even when you don’t yet know if you can do it.
People with a lack of confidence let self-doubt cripple them from ever taking action to make their dream a reality.
17. Stand up for yourself
Confident people are not afraid to speak up when others treat them with disrespect.
People who lack confidence tend to let others walk all over them. They are afraid how other people will react if they say something.
But self-confident people understand that when you don’t speak up people will not respect you. In fact, by speaking up and standing up for yourself, you are being true to your own values and this makes people respect you more.
18. Take credit for your work
People who suffer from a lack of confidence are too afraid to speak up when others take credit for their work.
But when you are self-confident, you are proud of what you have achieved and won’t let anyone take that away from you.
It’s not arrogance to make sure other people know what you have done or achieved.
19. Self-sabotaging behaviour
A lot of self-sabotaging behaviour is a result of self-doubt, fear and being reactive.
We stay in toxic relationships because we don’t have the confidence to leave.
We believe the other person when they say no-one will ever love us like they do.
The more confidence you have, the less reactive you become to other people or situations.
You don’t let self-doubt or fear stop you from doing what you know you really should be doing (ex. leaving that person).
Confidence gives you the courage to speak up when someone treats you poorly, or to walk away from a situation that is toxic to you.
20. Imposter syndrome
No-one is born with all the skills they need to succeed.
Everyone has to learn the hard way.
It’s easy to look around you and see how much others know or can do compared to you.
Confidence makes it easier for you to understand that while you don’t yet have the skills or experience of your peers, it is a journey that everyone must walk, and that they started out at the bottom just like you did.
Perhaps they even felt like an imposter when they started out.
The best way to overcome imposter syndrome is to keep trying, learning, doing, and achieving.
21. Fear of rejection
People who lack confidence are afraid of rejection because they view a NO as a rejection of them as a person.
Confident people know that even if someone says NO, it is merely an answer to a question, it’s not a rejection of them or their character.
22. Comparison syndrome – comparing yourself with your peers
Similar to imposter syndrome, but slightly different.
Comparison syndrome is when you compare yourself too much to your peers or your neighbours.
For example, when you see a colleague get a promotion and you then assume that there is something wrong with you, or that you are not good enough, and that’s why you are not being promoted.
Or when a friend earns a bigger salary than you, making you feel inadequate.
Self-confident people understand that everyone is on their own journey at their own pace.
You cannot compare your journey to someone else’s.
23. Self-criticism
People who lack confidence often resort to calling themselves stupid (quietly and internally of course – but sometimes also out loud) whenever they make a mistake.
Confidence means you stop criticizing yourself for every single thing you do wrong.
Instead, you understand that just because you made a mistake, does not make you a bad person, and you neither are you stupid.
It’s a mistake.
End of.
Everyone makes them.
24. Emotional freedom
Less fear, anxiety, self-doubt, being able to speak up for yourself when others disrespect you, a sense of achievement and resilience is all part of feeling more free from your negative and reactive emotions.
25. Love yourself
This is another instance where it’s a vice versa situation.
The more you love yourself, the more confident you will become, and in turn the more you will love yourself.
26. Makes you more attractive to others
Confident and successful people exude a certain air that either makes us want to date them or be them.
Let’s be honest, no-one wants to date someone who is neurotic, moody, or negative.
We all wish we could date that confident person.
So by becoming more confident, you will become the person everyone admires and finds attractive.
27. Success & Achievement
Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you are right!”
Without some measure of confidence, you will simply never take action to make your dreams or goals a reality.
You need to believe in yourself, not that you CAN do something, but that you can at least give it a try and learn along the way.
Success is after all simply the achievement of a goal or dream, or completing a project.
The more you achieve, the higher goals you will set for yourself.
And the experience of achieving your goal will make you understand that you are capable of far more than you could have guessed.
Conclusion
You can see how self-confidence is at the cornerstone of so much in your life.
The benefits are numerous.
Luckily, the more you do or experience, the more your confidence grows.
A positive mindset and achievement are two of the biggest drivers of self-confidence.
Put yourself out there to try and achieve things you really don’t think are possible.
It will be really scary at first, but just remind yourself every day that it is a journey, and the more you do or achieve the faster you will build your confidence.
And the more confidence you have, the more you will be willing to try, and the higher the goals you set for yourself will become.
No-one starts out a CEO or a millionaire, they all start at the bottom, building up the skills and experience and confidence to succeed at the top.
